


Family

by AngelynMoon



Series: Hurt-Colors [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bilbo doesn't care, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Elf Culture & Customs, F/M, Hobbit Culture & Customs, M/M, Thorin doesn't Know how to Court, let me know if I missed something, they are already married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:16:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15732045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelynMoon/pseuds/AngelynMoon
Summary: Summary: Erebor is Good for them





	1. Chapter 1

Summary: 

All Hobbits listed are taken from Hobbit family trees I found through a google search for hobbit families.

 

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Bilbo was humming as he rocked one of the younger Hobbits to sleep, though he was often seen around the Mountain doing this or that, sometimes providing advice or bringing Thorin something he had forgotten, he was nearly always seen accompanied by a young Hobbit, not always one of the ones that now belonged to him and the Dwarrow King.

Of all the Hobbits that Bilbo had feared would not make it to Erebor, Bell had been high on his list, as part of the reason Samwise had been along with him on his trip was how near to her due date she had been. It had been a relief that she had made it, had somehow happened upon a group of Dwarrow just outside the still burning Shire with her four older children following closely, they had been lucky if one could call it that, the only person in their immediate family that they had lost had been Bell's Husband, Hamfast. Bilbo had listened to her tale, of how Hamfast had insisted on distracting those that had come to destroy the Shire while she and their children ran.

Bell had given birth on the road to Erebor, to a little girl named Marigold, and they had been some of the first arrivals, even before Thorin's proclamation had spread.

Bilbo had offered to keep housing Sam, knowing that even with the help from both Dwarrow and Hobbits Bell might have her hands full with her children and so Bilbo was often caught with little Marigold resting against his chest and her older sisters Daisy and May holding onto his pants or one of his Boy's hands as they followed Bilbo on his trips through the Mountain.

Bell's oldest sons, Hamson and Halfred were some of the Hobbits that insisted upon Farming the land and like their father they were quite good at it and so Bilbo had suggested giving them joint charge of the operation.

It had been unfortunate to find that Frodo's parents hadn't made it to Erebor, Dora, Drogo's older sister, had told Bilbo that they had gone boating that day since they hadn't had to worry about little Frodo and the raiders had come from the direction of the river, Drogo and Primula had likely been some of the first to parish. 

And so Frodo would remain with Bilbo as Pippin and Merry would.

Merry's father Saradoc and his uncle Merimac had made it to Erebor, arriving some days after Bilbo and the children had but while Merry had been thrilled to see his father and uncle he seemed to realize that Saradoc was in no shape to care for his son, Saradoc could barely care for himself.

Merimac had explained that seeing his wife, Esmeralda, fall had killed something inside of his brother and Merimac could not take Merry, though he wanted to because he would be taking care of Saradoc. It was decided that the best thing for Merry would be to remain in Bilbo's care for the most part with visits to his uncle and father, much like Pippin was taken to visit with his sisters or the way Samwise would go to visit with his mother and siblings and end up bringing his siblings home to Bilbo's for the night.

Thorin had agreed that keeping the children so Bell could rest would be a good thing and had realized that they would need more space as Thorin suspected that there would be more children sleeping over with them when their parents wanted the rest or when it was just easier to bed them down in one place than to take several children to several different homes late at night.

Thorin had then had Bofur, Dori and Dwalin help him to clear the rooms next to Thorin's, something that had until then been deemed unnecessary. Dis had told Bilbo that they were the Consort's Quarters as generally Consorts were not required to share rooms with their Husbands.

Bilbo had looked at Thorin then and very deliberately explained how the layout was going to be, all of the rooms would have multiple beds or a large bed for shared sleeping and Bilbo would remain in Thorin's rooms with the youngest of the children, the older the children were the further the would sleep from Thorin's bedroom, they did make the Consort's rooms accessible through the dining room so that the children did not have to bother Bilbo and Thorin if they couldn't sleep.

It had come as a surprise that Lobelia had made it, though Otho had not and she'd carried her son Lotho in her belly on her journey, managing alone through sheer stubborn will, but she had hardly been able to look at Lotho without tears and so Bilbo took him into his arms after her labor, passed him to Thorin without a word before turning back to pull Lobelia into his arms and rock her, petting her hair in comfort.

Lotho had become Bilbo and Thorin's and Lobelia hadn't been able to take him back, and there had been a few mutterings but there were dark greens on Lobelia's arms that mixed with silver. It had taken several hours of gentle coaxing for Bilbo to get Lobelia to tell him why she couldn't raise Lotho herself, and she had explained in a soft, trembling voice, so unlike herself, that Otho had grabbed her arms during the Shire Fall and had been killed covering her body with his own, the green had come from his fear for her safety and the silver from the tight grip that had remained after he had stopped breathing. 

She loved Lotho, wanted to keep him but she couldn't get that dead look in Otho's eyes out of her head and she'd been having nightmares and she knew that she wouldn't be able to do her best by him.

It had been Oin who had reminded several Dwarrow that not all females wanted to be mothers, Dwarrowdams sometimes never even revealed that they were female in their lifetimes for this reason, that Lobelia had brought her son into the world and admitted that it would not be best for her to keep him had been very brave of her.

It had become nearly policy that if a little Hobbit was found wandering that they were taken to Bilbo or Thorin, if they were in meetings then one of the Company would do, rather than try to find out who they belonged to. There were even some Dwarrow who would keep the children until whatever meal was closest and teach them something of craft, some of the older Hobbits, Tweens and those nearing their majority had expressed an interest in smithing, usually the soft, delicate work that the Elves favored that Dwarrow had surprisingly little patience for.

Bilbo checked on the little one that was resting against his shoulder to see that little Lotho was sleeping and if he was lucky would remain asleep during his meeting with Thranduil and Bard, since Thorin had convinced him that he needed to supervise the Planting outside of the Mountain with Samwise, Frodo and Merry, Pippin having taken quite a liking to Dori, Bilbo suspected that it had to do with Dori giving him a basket of soft blankets to take his naps in. Bilbo should have been suspicious of Thorin's sudden interest in planting season but he had not had the energy or want, having missed talking to Bard and wishing to give Thranduil an apology for passing through his forest without stopping to see him.

May and Daisy were with Ori, helping him organize the library to mask him teaching them their letters. Bell was with Bombur in the kitchen and Dwalin had somehow been given charge of Marigold as he had made his way toward the training grounds that morning, normally this would have concerned Bilbo, but lately Dwalin was the only one that could get the baby girl to sleep and Bilbo knew that Dwalin would let nothing happen to her, he also suspected that if Dwalin was needed for more than just supervising Nori would appear as he somehow always did.

Bilbo smiled at the Dwarrow that were standing guard outside the meeting room and stepped inside.

"Good morning." Bilbo said and felt a sigh escape his mouth.

Both Big Folk stilled suddenly, the little ones stilling playing with fingers or the extra trinkets that they wore, one young Toddler was balancing carefully on Thranduil's head, playing with his crown.

"I can explain." Bard started, and didn't even wince when the young girl in his lap tugged at his hair before closing her eyes.

"We have done nothing wrong." Thranduil spoke imperiously, turning to look at Bilbo.

Bilbo saw the shifting behind him and realized that one of the teens was braiding the Elf's hair.

"They were here when we arrived." Bard said anyway.

"I suspect that they were." Bilbo acknowledged, "If you can concentrate with them here I see no reason they have to leave."

Thranduil nodded happily.

They got a surprising amount done and several things brought up and resolved or marked to bring to Thorin's attention. Lotho woke halfway through and drew the attention of both Bard and Thranduil who seemed to just notice him and they had both reached out for him at the same time and hit their knuckles together and Bilbo had watched yellow bloom upon their hands.

The two had stared at each other before sputtering and Bilbo knew that Thorin was going to regret missing this, but the shock had died away and they had agreed to talk after the meeting was over and Bilbo let them pass Lotho back and forth between them before Thranduil sat the boy on his knee nearest to Bard and Bard ended up with his fingers in Lotho's mouth as the boy gnawed at them, neither seemed bothered by the mess the boy was making so Bilbo said nothing.

Supper in the great hall with the Kings of Dale and Mirkwood along with the rest of the Dwarrows was interesting as Thranduil had not bothered to brush out his hair and it was a mess of rather neat braids as well as what Bilbo suspected were first attempts.

Thorin had somehow managed to keep a straight face when he'd seen the mess but neither Kili nor Legolas had and they had snickered throughout supper.

Bilbo deciding to shut Legolas up had lifted Lotho from Bard's arms, ignoring the half hearted protest and had dropped the boy on Legolas' lap stopping his noise abruptly as Legolas immediately caught the boy in his hands to keep him on his lap, his terrified face had set Gimli, Tauriel, and Dis off in peals of laughter and Bilbo saw the small smile that crawled over Thranduil's lips.

Bilbo had then proceeded to eat and Legolas had sat in fear with the boy on his lap for the rest of supper, face terrified, unsure of what to do until Gimris finally took pity on him and helped him adjust his arms and talked him through feeding the boy his bottle. By the time supper was over Legolas was much more relaxed with the child resting in his arms.  
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	2. Chapter 2

Summary:

 

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Thorin waited until they were back in their rooms to ask after the yellow that had been upon Bard's hand.

"Ah, that." Bilbo said as he carried Lotho over to the basket they kept in the living aera for when it was his bedtime but Thorin and Bilbo had things yet to be done.

"Yes that. He did not have yellow hands when he arrived." Thorin said.

"So, you left for the planting fields after they arrived?" Bilbo asked raising an eyebrow.

Thorin opened his mouth and then closed it, caught.

"You silly Dwarf." Bilbo shook his head, "Yes, he got the color today, it was a light hurt, if you hadn't been looking it might have been light enough to be over looked."

Bilbo had learned early on that the amount of pain the reciever of the colors felt effected how dark the color they gained was, all of Bilbo's colors were dark, Dwarrow were strong and Bilbo hurt easily, always had, even as a child.

"Well, we will have to search out the one that marked him." Thorin announced, "Who all had contact with him?"

Bilbo listened amused as Thorin tried to name everyone that Bard may have encountered.

"I've noticed that there is one name you've left off." Bilbo said as he glanced up as Dwalin, Ori, and Dis ushered the children into the room, they'd been taken to get a book to read during their Garden time after they watered their plants.

"Who?" Thorin asked.

Bilbo smiled and took Marigold from Dis and walked May and Daisy to their room, the boys running along to get ready for bed as well.

"I hate when he does that." Thorin grumbled.

"You married him." Dwalin muttered, "What were you talking about?"

"Bard recieved Hurt-colors today." Thorin said.

"That's wonderful." Dis grinned, "We'll have to make his One an ambassador."

Bilbo laughed as he wandered back "That would be funny."

"Why do I feel as if you know something we don't" Dwalin said as he studied Bilbo.

"I was there when Bard got his colors." Bilbo told them as he checked on Lotho.

"And?" Thorin asked.

"And I think we should give them time to talk before we but in." Bilbo gave them each a look.

They nodded, "Fine." They grumbled.

Bilbo nodded back once and lifted Lotho to take him to his bed, "Good night."

Thorin saw Dwalin, Ori, and Dis out and bid them good night.

 

\--------

"What is it, Legolas?" Bilbo asked as the young Elf threw himself on the floor.

"Thorin gave you your hurt-marks right?" Legolas asked as he turned his face to the side to peer up at Bilbo.

Bilbo traced the colors at his throat, Thorin had offered to make him tight necklaces to wear that would hide most of the dark colors but Bilbo had refused and even though some of the Dwarrow looked at the mark with pity and shame in their eyes as they remembered Thorin's Madness Bilbo knew that hiding the colors would be worse in the long run.

Lobelia had expressed concern and after Bilbo's assurances had asked after an umbrella, proceeding to use it as a weapon against Thorin, who had allowed it for several moment until Lobelia stoppe and demanded that he prove that Bilbo was no longer in danger from his madness.

Bilbo had been given Dark gold inbetween the fingers of his right hand where Thorin had been holding his hand and had squeezed just a bit too tightly, and if Bilbo did not make a big deel about the green swirls that mixed with it then it was only because he was amused that Thorin feared Lobelia enough that he spread green on Bilbo's skin.

"Yes." Bilbo agreed, "Are you finally going to ask me about Gimli?"

"How did you know?" Legolas asked, "My father doesn't know does he?"

Bilbo sighed and shook his head, setting his papers aside and using his foot to rock the rocking crib Bifur had carved with Bofur for Marigold and Lotho's naps, "He does not, nor I think does any one else."

"How did you know?" Legolas asked as he sat up and looked at Bilbo.

"You do tend to follow him when you can and you talk to him more than any one else." Bilbo said, "You also tend to lean down, head tilted towards him when he speaks."

Legolas hid his face in his hands with a low groan, "My father is going to kill me, he'll never let me be with a Dwarf."

"I think you may find him more understanding now than before." Bilbo said knowingly, "The question is, have you told young Gimli?"

"No, he's not even of age yet, if I told him now..." Legolas trailed off.

"You'd be chaperoned better until he came of age." Bilbo told him, "You'd not be the first to meet young."

"We are not Hobbits, Master Baggins." Legolas cried, "It is not so easy."

Bilbo raised an eyebrow, "You are not Hobbits, this is true, Hobbits generally meet their matches young, part of the reasons we had such parties and invited nearly every one along was to allow the children the chance to discover their matches, Frodo even met Samwise at one of my Garden parties, but it is different now."

Legolas frowned, "How so?"

"When the Shire Fell, a great many of the children had already met their matches, and Hobbits, once they meet their matches have, I suppose you can call it a tie to the one that gives them their Colors, the stronger the bond and love between the two the closer they are, some can even feel the emotions their match feels when they touch." Bilbo explained, "If you'd noticed many of the Hobbits that lost their spouses still haven't quite recovered, and others have died."

"Yes, but what has that got to do with anything?"

"Everything." Bilbo said, "Most of the children, with the right amount of support can survive the loss of their match, their colors dull a little but remain, Lobelia's purple used to be the darkest purple and now it only holds a trace of the color. There is every possiblity that she will fade in a few years."

"Are... are you saying that some of the children could die because their matches have?" Legolas asked, softly.

"Yes, I have been keeping an eye on the ones I know had met their matches, most of them are doing well, and I have been setting up apprenticeships for those that need a bit more focus." Bilbo explained.

Legolas was silent for a moment, "You thought Thorin was dead for a time did you not?"

Bilbo nodded, "Yes, but my situation was a bit more complicated than most."

"How?"

"I never had time to recover from our stay in Mirkwood, and Laketown, well Hobbits don't care much for water, it makes us uneasy when there is no ground beneath our feet, and even here, once we arrived..." Bilbo looked into the fire, "So many had died in dispare here that it had sunk into the very stones, I could feel the sorrow and helplessness, some places I can still feel it." Bilbo looked back at Legolas, "When I finally returned to the Shire I was in bed for nearly two months before I even had the strength to stand for longer than a few moments. And I didn't know how being Matched to a Dwarrow would affect my colors, no Hobbit was matched outside of our people before, not in our written records anyway, and our oral traditions faded by the wayside when we settled in the Shire."

"What would have happened to you if he had died?" Legolas asked quietly.

Bilbo smiled sadly, "I suspect I would have lingered through the rest of my life, a piece of myself always missing, but remaining for the children."

"How long would you have lasted?"

Bilbo shrugged, "It depends upon the will of the Hobbit, my mother lingered for seven years, but that was desparation to see me to my coming of age, my great aunt did not even make a day after her wife died, following her into the next life hours after she'd made her exit."

"What would she have done if Thorin came to the Shire had you still been too young?" Legolas asked.

Bilbo smiled a little, "When she was still energentic she used to tell me that I should go on an adventure with her, she'd always had wandering feet, my father swore they got worse while she was pregnant with me, said that near my birth my mother actually started to go on another journey, to the Blue Mountains and went into labor two days from the Shire, I was the first Hobbit that was born outside of the Shire. Knowing that Thorin and his people had made the Blue Mountains their home a few decades before I wonder if something was calling her to go there because I belonged there."

Bilbo's eyes were soft as he gazed at Legolas, "I suspect that my Mother would have planned the wedding for as soon as possible but threatened Thorin with death if he touched me before I was ready. Many Hobbit parents have a sort of Junior wedding for their children when they meet their match, and engagement if you would, some Hobbits never have a formal wedding as such, they just sort of move in together once they are old enough, oh, some will have a party to celebrate but generally we are considered married by other races' standards as soon as our colors appear."

"So, techniqually Frodo and Samwise are married already?" Legolas asked, shocked.

"Yes." Bilbo said, "Why do you think I let them stay with each other, even to sleep."

"But... they are so young." Legolas cried.

"Yes they are young, but they belong to each other, regardless of what ever else happens, they are not ready to do as adults do and when they are they will come to me and we will talk." Bilbo explained.

"You seem sure of that."

Bilbo smiled, "Hobbits have fewer taboos when it comes to enjoying oneself, I was hardly pure when I met Thorin, I had, for a time, thought I'd never meet my match."

"I see." Legolas said slowly, "So I should tell Gimli?"

Bilbo nodded, "You may wish to speak with his parents first and explain that you do not intend to go further than courting until he is of age. The main thing is to be honest, secrets are bad when it comes to love."

Legoas nodded, "Thank you, Bilbo."

"Of course." Bilbo said as Legolas stood.

"You wouldn't know how Dwarrow court, would you?" Legolas asked hopefully.

"No clue, Thorin just kind of built me things, gave me trinkets and flowers and braided my hair." Bilbo shrugged, "I've been told that he did nothing right as he'd braided my hair while I was sleeping and he gave me the gifts directly, Dwalin and Nori explained that they should have gone through a family member or a close friend. Apparently contact is limited until the wedding, and chaperones are a must, but well, his arguments were that I had no family and we were on a quest with others so they are all mrked down as chaperones in the little contract thing that Ori has somewhere on our Courting."

Legolas laughed.

"You might endear yourself to Gimris and Gloin if you ask how you are meant to Court a Dwarrow properly." Bilbo advised.

"What should I tell my father?" Legolas asked suddenly.

"If nothing else you can mention how it would make our political ties stronger."

"How?"

"Well, Gimli is the son of a Dwarrow that helped take Erebor back and he is a member of the Royal line." Bilbo reminded him.

"But the Menmight feel threatened." Legolas pointed out.

Bilbo smiled secretly, "I wouldn't worry about the Men."

Legolas frowned at him, "What do you know?"

"What don't I know?" Bilbo returned, "Gloin and Gimris should be enjoying a private lunch at their quarters, now would be the perfect time to go see them."

Legolas looked down at Bilbo but nodded, his furture with Gimli more important than discovering Hobbit secrets.

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	3. Chapter 3

Summary: Bard

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"Good morning, Bilbo." Bard began.

"Good Morning?" Bilbo asked in confusion, he'd come to Dale for their market, for once leaving all of the children behind.

"I was wondering if you would join me for lunch?"

"Of course." Bilbo said, "Is something the matter?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." Bard growled, "King Thranduil isn't talking to me, he hasn't since we parted ways after leaving Erebor."

Bilbo sighed, why did every one come to him for advice about their matches? He'd gotten a nervous Dori appearing after Legolas and 't know how to approach Balin about the lines of colors that had bloomed around his leg after the battle of the Five Armies and Bilbo wondered a little just how any Dwarrow managed to get married after meeting their Ones. He'd also gotten a shy Ori at his door asking if he'd chaperone him and Bofur for a walk through the market.

And that wasn't counting the hours he had been chaperoning Fili and Sigrid, honestly Bilbo wondered if Bard even knew that the two had gotten their colors from each other or Thorin for that matter, so far Fili had been making due with Kili and Tauriel chaperoning but well Kili and Tauriel still needed chaperoning themselves, and soon enough Bilbo was going to be chaperoning an entire ballroom filled with couples.

"Elves have weird customes, according to Legolas he can't actually speak with you until he speaks with your father, as you father is dead he'd be able to go to your uncle or mother but it is very possible that he will go to your daughter Sigrid instead, since she's bene busy at Erebor he hasn't been able to since he needs to do it in person." Bilbo explained.

"Why does he get to take the lead?" Bard asked as they sat at a table, "Does he think I am going to be the woman?"

Bilbo sighed and mentally reminded himself that the Race of Men rarely had hurt-colors appear between two of the same sex.

"In Elvish tradition it is the oldest that takes the lead or the one that is more established, this make is less likely that they will not work out if they come from different areas." Bilbo explained, "For example if Thorin and I were Elves, before he took back his homeland who do you think would take the lead?"

"Thorin." Bard said immediately.

"No, actually, it would have been me because I had a home and a job and I was not a wanderer." Bilbo explained, "Yes, Thorin is older but where would we have lived, where would we have gone?"

"Ah." Bard said softly, "But does that mean I just wait?"

"Yes, actually, I'll talk to him and remind him that you are not an Elf and tell him to talk to you." Bilbo sighed.

Bard found himself tracing the yellow on his knuckles, "Thank you, Bilbo."

"Of course." Bilbo said, "I'm just wondering when I became the one to get advice from."

Bard laughed, "It's because you actually listen."

"I should stop that." Bilbo said.

"But you won't."

"No, I won't."


	4. Chapter 4

Summary:

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Bilbo should have been more surprised, he really should have but he wasn't, every one else was, you could almost hear the breathing in the sudden silence.

Thranduil had stormed into the ball room, late for the Durin's day celebrations and instead of greeting Thorin as he should since it was Thorin hosting, Thranduil had walked purposely to Bard and dragged him into a rough kiss, Bilbo watched as Gold burned where the Elven King gripped Bard's hair with a bit of green swirling through it. Bilbo wondered absently if Bard's lips would bare the same colors for the rest of his days.

"Well." Bilbo began as the two broke apart, "What a lovely way to greet your allies, but I am not kissing you."

Thorin turned to stare at Bilbo with wide eyes, "You knew."

"Yes, of course I knew, there isn't a Match in this Mountain that I don't know about." Bilbo said.

"Is that so?" Bard asked with a grin.

"Don't smirk at me." Bilbo ponted at them, "Who do you think has been chaperoning your children?"

"What?" Bard cried.

Thranduil chuckled.

"I'm chaperoning yours too." Bilbo stared at the Elven King who fell silent quickly.

"What?" He echoed.

Bilbo rolled his eyes, "I think we all need to take a while to talk."

"That'd be great." Dis said, "There's a meeting room this way."

Bilbo glare at Fili as he tried to sneak away and grabbed Legolas' belt, dragging the Elf along.


	5. Chapter 5

Summary:

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They all sat in the Meeting room and Bilbo was glad that Bell had offered to stay with the children instead of going to the Celebrations, Lobelia and Saradoc deciding to help her and spend some time with their children.

"What was that?" Legolas asked, "Father?"

Bilbo sighed.

"Bard has given me colors and I have given him some as well." Thranduil said simply.

"But... mother...?" Legolas asked.

"Your mother..." Thranduil stopped and looked at Legolas, "You are my son, Legolas, your parentage does not change that, but I did not sire you." 

"Mahal." Dwalin whispered.

Gimli grasped Legolas' hand tightly, blue and gold spiraling from his grasp.

"What?" Legolas whispered.

Thranduil sighed, "Your mother was my brother's wife, when he died she barely had the strength to come to me, you were born early and your mother faded away before you managed to enter the world, I cut you out because she had made me promise I would raise you."

"I..." Legolas squeezed Gimli's hand, blue painting the Dwarf's hand.

"Legolas." Gimli said as he drew the Elf to sit on the ground with him, somehow managing to settle the Elf in his lap without it being awkward, "It's okay."

Gimli continued murmuring to Legolas gently, petting his hair.

Thranduil looked like he wanted to take Legolas into his arms but let Gimli comfort his son, watching them with knowing eyes.

They waited until Legolas turned to look at them, "I'm not going to call Bard dad."

Gimli laughed, "He's a bit young for that isn't he?"

Legolas smiled sweetly at Gimli and curled into him.

"You don't have to call me dad, that would be weird."

"Do we have to call King Thranduil Father?" Tilda asked, "Can we?"

Thranduil looked at her startled at her eagerness.

"The Elvish wod for Father is Ada." Legolas informed them.

"Please!?" Tilda asked, looking at Thranduil pleadingly.

Bard laughed at Thranduil's lost expression, "If you like you may." 

Thranduil found himself nodding.

"Great!" Bilbo grinned, "Moving on."

"You can call Thorin Uncle too." Fili blurted out.

Bilbo hid his face in his hands as Sigrid slapped Fili.

"That wasn't how I wanted to tell them!"

"Tell us what?" Bard asked, slowly.

"This is the best story." Dis whispered to Bilbo.

"I've seen better." Bilbo whispered back.

"What could be more drama filled than this?" Thorin asked.

"Oh, you should have seen my first Birthday party, Tooks and Bagginses all in one garden, I'm pretty sure my Grandmothers nearly killed each other trying to get me to walk to them, each one standing on opposite sides of the room."

"So, who'd you go to?" Nori asked.

"My Mother." Bilbo said.

"WHAT!" Bard cried, "But you're still so young. And you!" Bard pointed at Fili, "You should have asked me!"

"Bilbo has been chaperoning us, we have done nothing but court." Fili promised.

"Bilbo is not her Father, nor are you his responsibility!" Bard screamed.

"Actually he is." Bilbo said absently.

"What?" Bard turned to Bilbo.

"Yes, what?" Dis asked.

"Oh, right, Hobbits." Bilbo realized, "Well, considering at the time of the quest I had no young children and Kili and Fili were very obviously too young to be there and Thorin's nephews and that Thorin had given me my Hurt-colors, well, by Hobbit standards we were Married and Thorin's responsiblities became mine which means that I've basically been in charge of the boys since the quest."

"Is that why you kept telling Kili to eat more at Beorn's?" Fili asked.

"And why I kept you from drinking with the others." Bilbo said.

"You said there wasn't any more beer!" Fili cried.

Bilbo rolled his eyes.

"But how does that make them yours?" Legolas asked.

Bilbo frowned, "I guess it's sort of a hierarchy, the Oldest Hobbit present is the one in charge, let's take Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, for example, when we were on our way here it was just us, had something happened to me it would have been Sam's responsibility to see them to safety, essentually he would have become the parent, even once they had arrived Sam would have kept charge of them even under an older Hobbit, even under his own Mother Sam would still have been a parent to Pippin and Merry."

"What about Frodo?" Dis asked with a frown.

"Frodo is Sam's Match, he'd have been just as much a parent to Pippin and Merry. By Hobbit standards they are Married." Bilbo explained.

"They are children." Thranduil shouted.

"Yes, they won't have any adult urges until they are around thirty three when Hobbits come of age." Bilbo said.

"You married them so young?" Bard asked.

Bilbo shook his head, "Not the way Men, Elves, and Dwarrow Marry, Hobbits are Married when they recieve their Hurt-colors."

Thorin frowned, "Then how long have we been married, by Hobbit standards?"

"Since you grabbed me in the Misty Mountains." Bilbo told him, "Hobbits can feel the spread of Hurt-colors."

They stared at Bilbo.

"Huh." Dis sounded, "Hobbits do things very simply."

"Yes, well, we are simple folk, and we like it that way, thank you very much." Bilbo sniffed.

"Well, at the very least we can be assured that are alliances are sound, not that they weren't before." Legolas laughed, "By the time we are all married to our matches we'll be a giant family."

"I suppose we will." Thorin said, "So, Bilbo, who else is courting that you know of?"

Bilbo raised an eyebrow, "Well..."

"Bofur and I!" Ori blurted.

"Ori!" Dori cried.

"Oh, like you didn't stop by to ask Bilbo about Balin." Nori sighed.

"Nori!" Dwalin growled.

"You asked me last week to help make apology cookies." Bilbo reminded Nori.

"Nori." Dwalin murmued, voice softer.

"Mahal." Thorin muttered, scrubbing his face.

"This will likely be the most fun I've had since Legolas was a child." Thranduil admitted, helping Tilda climb onto his lap.

"Can I ride your moose?" Tilda asked.

"We'll see." Thranduil told her.

"Okay." Tilda shrugged, "Can Tauriel teach me how to fight?"

"Yes, Tauriel can." Tauriel accepted.

"Fine." Bard said, "But not Swords."

"How about Knives?" Tauriel asked seriously.

Dis grinned, "You're good for us." She whispered to Bilbo.

"You've been good for me too." Bilbo smiled and leaned into Thorin's shoulder.

 

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A/N: I think this got a bit cracky there at the end but Gods can you imagine how crazy that family would be once they all get married to their soulmates? The family dinners alone would be hillarious.

And Bilbo being the Adultiest Adult, come on you all know it's true.

I kinda wanted to add Mpreg at several points in this story, how would you guys feel about that?


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